Thoughfulness Versus Thinking Too Much

While chatting over dinner with a friend about a year ago, I worried I was annoying her. At dinner a week before, she smiled, was engaged, and I had hoped she enjoyed my company. But this night, she was detached and unmoved by everything I said. I reviewed everything I'd said during dinner, then everything I said to her earlier that day. Nothing made sense. What had I done?

In the weeks and months prior to this night, two special friends reminded me frequently that not everything was my fault. This is obvious, but knowing this fact is not enough. When are things my fault, and when aren't they? I needed to learn that discrimination. On this night, I remembered this lesson and tried an experiment. What if my dinner-friend's "reaction" had nothing to do with me?

I quieted my mind, which was still racing with self-blame. Listening to her, watching her -- there's something! -- I saw my friend blink a long, slow blink. I was reminded of trying to stay awake during class after a late night. My friend might be tired. Maybe I truly wasn't to blame!

Looking back at the first paragraph, I see many self-action phrases: "I was annoying her", "What had I done?", "enjoyed my company", "unmoved by everything I said". I wanted to be a good friend and good company, and when the unexpected happened I took a 'me-centered' view -- it was my fault. I was in control of the situation and I screwed it up. Usually, I follow these thoughts with intense self-scrutiny, hoping to find something I can fix. It usually turns into a wrestling match with reality, where I try to bend events to my will.

The ending of this story is the best part. While it felt nice not to blame myself, the joy came afterward. I asked my friend if she was tired, and learned she hadn't been sleeping well. By thinking less and listening more, I was able to take a step into her world. I felt thoughtful and supportive, like a good friend. We said goodbye early that night, so she could take care of herself.